Monday, August 31, 2009
A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state.
The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.
The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.
I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved, and he yelled back that George Bush is a fat, good-for-nothing, right wing drunk who doesn't know how to read.
So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!
He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!"
"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."
JUST IN ...
Democrats, realizing the success of the President's "Cash For Clunkers" rebate program, have revamped a major portion of their National Health Care Plan.
President Obama, Speaker Pelosi, and Sen. Reed are expected to make this major announcement at a joint news conference later this week.
I have obtained an advanced copy of the proposal which is named.... "CASH FOR CODGERS" and it works like this...
Couples wishing to access health care funds in order to pay for the delivery of a child will be required to turn in one old person.
The amount the government grants them will be fixed according to a sliding scale.
Older and more prescription dependent codgers will garner the highest amounts.
Special "Bonuses" will be paid for those submitting codgers in targeted groups, such as smokers, alcohol drinkers, persons 10 pounds over their government prescribed weight, and any member of the Republican Party.
Smaller bonuses will be given for codgers who consume beef, soda, fried foods, potato chips, lattes, whole milk, dairy products, bacon, Brussel sprouts, or Girl Scout Cookies.
All codgers will be rendered totally useless via toxic injection. This will insure that they are not secretly resold or their body parts harvested to keep other codgers in repair.
Run my old friend, Run!
And remember you heard it here first...
Friday, August 28, 2009
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
The title is the sound I make every time i look at this picture.
Heebie Jeebies doesnt even start to describe the effects of this (shiver) fricking creature.
All I can think of, is a next door neighbor I used to have, who was an entomologist (studies insects). He had his entire garage filled with bugs in cages.
Now let me step back a second here.. I have no problems with about 90% of the bugs out in the world. Being originally from Florida I have seen my share.
There are only 2 kinds of bugs which creep me out.
1) the Florida Cockroach (Palmetto Bug)
6'4" of screaming 10 year old girl, when one is near me.
2) ALL OTHER HUGE FREAKY BUGS.. if it is over 1" long and just looks creepy that qualifies.
Ants beetles spiders flies wasps bees.... all fine with me.
I even don't mind mosquitoes, plus I just like typing mosquitoes.
Not often you get to type mosquitoes.
Back to my neighbor... he comes to my front yard, the second time I meet him, holding a frickin 8" walking stick on his arm like the centepeghghghhahhh (shiver) above.
I need to watch the smurfs or something after typing this.
Anyhow, he thought it was funny, seeing the guy twice his size squirm like a little girl at the sight of this prehistoric monster on his arm.
I told him it wasn't funny anymore, and you are about to be pissed off when you have 8" of green guts on your arm if you come closer.
He then wisened up and put the being in its cage.
Then he calls from his garage, hey...wanna see my South American giant cockroach.
NO THANKS! NEVER! NO! NO! NO!
About three weeks later he catches me outside, and says
"come on you should see these cockroaches, they are cool.. had them flown in from South America and all" NO NO NO NO
I asked him how much that cost, and it was something like a few hundred dollars that the local college, where he worked, paid for.
I then informed him very politely, that if he ever brought one out near me, I would put insect foggers in his garage and he then could buy the big glass picture frames and pins for all of his newly DEAD bugs.
Bugs in a cage...thats just rediculous.
If you can cage a bug...it is way to fricking big and NO NO NO.
He then got a job in Minnesota 2 months later...THANK GOD!
Officially the creepiest guy I have ever met.
I will eventually have a rant on Cockroaches, since this post itself has me freaked out it will be a few.
Oh the joys my son will have while wrestling...
Ok now seriously, wtf. If it were not for the shoes and kneepads, i would say this is a bit of an intimate encounter.
"Just got to find a hand hold...ah there it is... those months spent training for rock climbing are sure paying off."
I think the ref should have thrown a flag. Penalty...diddling distraction...minus 2 points.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
THE NEW HEALTH COVERAGE IN A NUTSHELL:
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers.
"Mrs. Sanders, please."
"Mrs. Sanders, this is Dr. Jones at St. Agnes Laboratory.
When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well..
We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband.
Frankly, either way the results are not too good."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."
"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.
"Normally we can, but the new health care system will only pay for these expensive tests just one time."
''Well, what am I supposed to do now? "
"The folks at Obama health care recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds
his way home, don't sleep with him."
Monday, August 24, 2009
Never really thought of golf as a very dangerous sport. When I look at this, I am not sure if I wanna laugh at the clown or say damn that's gonna hurt tomorrow.
I choose Laugh.....
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Friday, August 21, 2009
I stumbled across this the other day and started questioning myself, when was I on a mountain like that, I dont wear sunglasses, nor would I wear a red windbreaker. But, damn if this doesnt look exactly like me, at least from that angle. I mean same beard cut, and color. Bizarre! Those that know me must comment!!!!
Thursday, August 20, 2009
To all those who have the 1"-2"+ trendy gauges and such...this is what you get to look forward to.
And when you are 55 or older, your grandkids will be able to swing from them.
I never realized how thoughtful you were being... thank you from all the future toddlers who will now have indoor swingsets!! Play, how many toothpicks can we fit in Grandpa's face!
Oooooh and they can play Whack-a-booger on on the nose holes out there too!!!
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
This picture just makes me laugh...and laugh again. We have all seen these around town, we just didnt point and laugh like we wanted to. Seems to me though, this is the closest this guy will get to "action" for a long time. Carrying the big bottle and dressed like that, goes over well when "entertaining the ladies!!" allllright... giggity giggity
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Actually I don't feel bad for him at all. He has been past his prime for a loooong time. Yet he keeps being mouthy and getting his face turned into hamburger, so I guess he does make a great poster boy for stupidity.
* If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
* If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
* The human heart creates enough pressure while pumping to squirt blood 30 feet.
* Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
* Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
* On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
* The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
* It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
* You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.
* Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
* Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
* Did you know that you are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider?
* Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.
* In ancient Egypt, Priests plucked every hair from their bodies, including their eye- brows and eyelashes.
* A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
* A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
* The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
* Polar bears are left handed.
* The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds, more than any other animal.
* The flea can jump 350 times its body length, that is like a human jumping the length of a football field.
* A cockroach will live nine days without it's head. The only reason it doesn't live longer is it's unable to eat.
* The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
* Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
* Butterflies taste with their feet.
* Elephants are the only animals that can't jump. (thankfully)
* A cat's urine glows under a blacklight.
* An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
* Starfish don't have brains.
Monday, August 17, 2009
The Smart car...
I don't think I really want one of these. Not sure if that is a smart car in the photo, but the point is made. The photo said it was a smart car.
Me, being the cynical guy I am.....just a little.. I thought to myself, "well, yeah, if a tractor trailor hits any car, it is bad like that." Then I found a link with a video of a crash test between smart car and a sedan. Again the smart car loses.
I like little cars, but this is too extreme even for me.
Friday, August 14, 2009
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.
For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen.
Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.
After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.
Also considered were:
and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink".
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of:
MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
This may be old...but I still think it is funny.
Considering I received a phone call from my daughter yesterday, from the bathroom 12 feet away, asking for TP. Lo and behold the closet was empty of all the glorious white cyclinders.
And, as it has been for 18 years... when I asked both kids, who used the last roll, and why didn't they tell me we were out...that damn NOT ME snuck into the house again!!! I can't wait til I catch that little bastard, I will wring his little NOT ME neck for all the havoc he has caused in my house for so long.
Thursday, August 13, 2009